Blog: Dom Lawson VS Linkin Park
ou’ll never guess what I’m listening to. Actually, you might if you follow me on Twitter. And who wouldn’t want to do that, eh? I’M FUCKING FASCINATING!!! EVERY BOWEL MOVEMENT THREATENS TO BREAK THE HIT COUNT ON REUTERS!!!! YEAH!!!!! But I digress…assuming that you’re one of those Facebook pillocks or, even worse, someone who doesn’t squander their entire life on some hideously over-subscribed “networking” site, you will almost certainly have no idea what I’m listening to. Go on, have a guess.
No, not Michael Bublé. No, definitely not Bullet For My Valentine! How dare you. And no, not the new Anal Cunt album…although, Christ knows, I wish I fucking was listening to the new Anal Cunt album. In fact, I will definitely be giving that a blast just as soon as I’ve finished listening to this: The new Linkin Park album.
YES, THAT’S RIGHT! I’M LISTENING TO LINKIN PARK! I’M BETRAYING DA METULZ RIGHT BEFORE YOUR EYES AND I DON’T CARE! I’M PISSING INTO THE EXPOSED EYE-SOCKET OF JOEY DEMAIO WHILE WHISTLING THAT JAY-Z SONG ABOUT NEW YORK THAT HAS NOW BECOME A BIT ANNOYING!! I’M WEARING ENORMOUS TROUSERS WITH TOO MANY ZIPS ON THEM AND I’M SKIPPING TO TONI AND GUY FOR A HAIRCUT THAT WILL MAKE OLI SYKES LOOK LIKE FUCKING LEMMY!!!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THOSE APPLES, MORONS OF THE INTERNET???? SUCK ‘EM DOWN!!!
The good news, of course, is that I’m really not enjoying the new Linkin Park album. It’s fucking diabolical, as you may have already realised. I’ve heard more exciting noises coming out of my arse at 6.30am after a night on the Guinness. I felt more inclined to head bang when I was suffering from whiplash after a nasty car accident. I haven’t heard such pitiful rapping since the last time Fred Durst tried to convince the world that he was a badass, as opposed to a massive berk (AND JUST IN CASE YOU GIVE A SHIT, I PREFER LIMP BIZKIT TO LINKIN PARK!!!! I’M NOT TOTALLY DERANGED!!!). (Insult Durst again and I will end you – Beez).
In fact, I haven’t experienced anything this wet since my best mate James urinated on my head while I was face down in a flower bed after drinking a whole bottle of tequila at some poor sod’s birthday party back in 1989. A Thousand Suns? Nine Turds And A Plastic Cup Of Tepid Urine, more like.
I will freely admit that I have never enjoyed anything that Linkin Park have done. As open-minded as I am about music, I’ve never been remotely interested in them, but I did hear that this new album was a brave departure from their trademark sound, so that had to be a good thing, right? I’ll give anything a go, me. Even badminton. And, to be fair to the band, A Thousand Suns is marginally less awful than their previous albums, but only because it’s rubbish AND unintentionally hilarious.
It sounds exactly like you would imagine an album made by a bunch of enormously wealthy but not particularly talented rock stars would make when they have all the money in the world to waste on time in expensive studios and every conceivable technological gadget to fanny around with, safe in the knowledge that they could release any old jiffy bag full of bubbling arse-chutney and their legions of tone deaf, witless fans would lap it up like so much delicious, steaming Bovril.
On a musical level, A Thousand Suns isn’t particularly awful as such. It’s just utterly sterile, derivative and lacking in any of the things that good rock or metal music needs to get the adrenalin flowing. And that’s always been the problem with this band.
From their insipid but undeniably catchy debut album onwards, Linkin Park have always been a pop band that use “heavy guitars” (and I use the word ‘heavy’ in its loosest sense) or, and this is the phrase that really gets my teeth grinding, an “alternative rock band”. My nut-wrenching Christ, I fucking hate “alternative rock”. What the fuck does that actually mean anyway? Alternative to what? ROCK THAT DOESN’T SUCK????? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, TRENT BASTARD REZNOR?? HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT, BILLY BALDY-BOLLOCKS CORGAN???? That told them. I should charge for this stuff, shouldn’t I? I could dish out helpful advice to bands that think they’re being terribly original but that are really just churning out the same old castrated, dated, inconsequential piffle that has been getting on my tits since the early 90s.
Ooh, you’ve got a couple of Cure albums and you quite like The Smiths. Good for you. I like The Cure and The Smiths too. I don’t expect a fucking medal for it. The same goes for “alternative metal”. I love Deftones and Dillinger and lots of other bands beginning with ‘D’ that wouldn’t know a Mercyful Fate riff if it dropped a steamer in their KFC bucket, but when people start waffling on about “alternative metal” as if non-traditional metal is somehow smarter or cooler than the traditional stuff (as if anyone with a modicum of intelligence gives a flying piss-bubble about being cool anyway)…oh just fuck off. It’s all heavy music and it’s all great.
Shut the fuck up and stop trying to pretend that you’re not a trendy tosspot. Just go with it, you hipster bell-end. Meanwhile, I’ll keep wearing my heavy metal uniform of t-shirt and jeans and looking like an overgrown teenager. We’re all twats. Accept it and move on. Alternative? Why would anyone want an alternative to Maiden or Slayer or Pantera? ARE YOU MAD?????
Don’t get me wrong. This is not some NOTZ METUL LOL mental breakdown that I’m trying to blame on other people. Well, maybe a bit. But as those of you who have been foolish enough to read my blogs will probably have inferred, I listen to all kinds of music and make no apologies for it, and I will happily stand up for your right to listen to any old shite you wish. But I still can’t help getting annoyed by music like this bloody awful dribble of cack-handed non-rock. Linkin Park are a classic example of an obscenely successful band that have sold millions of records and made a ton of cash along the way, but that still want to give the impression that they are in some way in tune with non-mainstream culture. Well, you shower of creative midgets, it really doesn’t work like that.
It certainly doesn’t help that Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda have never said anything interesting in an interview. Ever. They’re so remorselessly polite, reeking of vanilla as they spout the same doe-eyed clichés about wanting to move forward as a band and loving their fans and blah blah blah…meanwhile, the finger of some record company executive is hovering over a big red button emblazoned with the words “DON’T SAY ANYTHING CONTROVERSIAL, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!”, which when pushed will send a very small but significant electric shock up the musicians’ arsepipes, reminding them that the key to becoming rich men is to never do anything that might upset anyone in the NORMAL world; the world where Katy Perry singing about snogging another girl is considered a bit edgy and naughty, when, in fact, pretending to be a lesbian is just about the most horrifically tedious and unsexy thing that anyone has ever done (apart from, maybe, eating a scotch egg and discovering, halfway through, that it’s been dropped on the floor and has hairs stuck to it…and one of them’s stuck in your throat…actually, why doesn’t Katy Perry write a song about that??? I Gagged On An Egg! It’s a hit, surely??).
Linkin Park’s music is completely sterile and unthreatening. Nice tunes, nice riffs, nice rapping…it’s all so soul-crushingly nice. And now, since their decision to take a few risks and do something different, they’re even nicer! Listening to A Thousand Suns is like being gently nudged with a cushion on a warm summer’s day. It’s like eating a delicious, low-fat salad with low-fat dressing using plastic cutlery. It’s like a lost episode of Heartbeat in which Nick Berry (and yes, I know he’s not in it anymore, but only because I looked it up on Wikipedia…obviously I’ve never watched the fucking thing! Fuck you!) is called upon to calm things down at a children’s tea party that has become moderately boisterous because one of the children has discovered an old Elton John tape and now the kids are all going berserk to Saturday Night’s Alright For Fighting and the neighbours are getting a little bit worried that the daffodils in their front garden might get trampled and…oh just piss off, Linkin Park. You grotesque wet lettuce of a rock band. Yuck.
And yes, I do realise that they’re an easy target. I CAN’T BE CUTTING EDGE AND TOTALLY RADICAL ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!! Give me a break.
Lots of love,
Dom Lawson xxx
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