Chaos Backstage: GWAR/Lamb Of God US Tour Report
US-based Hammer scribe Chaos has been out on the road with GWAR and Lamb on the North American Wrath tour…
“My cell rings. It’s Oderus Urungus. He commands me to attend GWAR’s domination of the evening. I was warned that to refuse was to risk horrifically and unspeakable things being bestowed upon me, and to rest assured that I would much rather die a thousand deaths of disembowelment by his cuttlefish.
“When I arrived at the venue, the slaves corned me and drug me by my heels to GWAR’s backstage dwelling. I was thrown into a room where I stumbled upon Oderus in the middle of ‘rubbing one out’ to an issue of Metal Hammer UK. He then ordered me to ‘SIT DOWN FUCK-NUTS! GET OVER HERE CHAOS!’. We delved into a whirlwind conversation and discussed how the past twenty-five year dominance of the planet earth and all it’s human-filth-inhabitants, has been much too easy but still rewarding. He shed light on the recent realignment with longtime cohorts ‘Metal Blade Records’. ‘I made a mistake by signing with DRT records, I thought it was a shoe endorsement! I signed the contract in crayon. I farted and the signature melted off, and now we’re back with Metal Blade and everything is as it should be!’, Oderus said with conviction. We then went on to discuss how he thinks he and Kerry King have made peace. ‘I taunted, baited and said nasty things about him, but he has not responded once! I think he’s obviously using his intelligence at this point.’
“We got into a bunch of different topics, like how the possibility of universal health care in the US could potentially interfere with GWAR’s plan to destroy all humans, how they still have not seen any royalties from GWAR’s most successful tribute band ‘Lordi’ but do receive a nine tonne crack boulder from them, that Sleazy.P picks up every morning, and of course the ‘coup de gras’- how Christopher Walken nicknamed him ‘Twinkle-Toes’ during dance lessons given to him by Mr.Walken. Of course I was given a demonstration. [Held captive]
“Oderus abruptly demands that I come with the whole tribe on the journey to the stage. On the way he destroyed a hanging exit sign [no joke he fucking trashed it]. He referred to master axeman Mark Morton [Lamb of God] who was hanging sidestage, as GWAR’s sound man. Anyone who has ever been around Mark off stage, knows that he could easily be mistaken for crew. When GWAR was summoned to the stage, I proceeded to anchor my self for the upcoming carnage. The blood cannons were ample and powerful, because the slaves recognized me, they blasted the shit out of me with blood. Let’s put it this way, I need to purchase a new camera…was it worth it? Fuck Yeah!
“If you have never experienced a GWAR spectacle, make sure you don’t miss them the next time they raid your village! There are a few things to remember though. 1.Wear clothes you don’t give a fuck about. 2.Take out your contacts 3.Leave your Girlfriend, Daughter or Wife at home or they will become property of GWAR.
“Lamb of God hit the stage and…were LAMB OF GOD! If you do not know what that means, it means they fucking OWNED! Randy Blythe educated the crowd, and stated that in the beginning GWAR took Lamb of God out on their first tour. With gratitude and humility Randy continued by telling the crowd that if it wasn’t for GWAR there would be no Lamb of God.
“After the show I visited with Lamb of God. John Campbell showed me how awesome his not yet released Zoom Q3 was [Google it], and of course I was turning multiple shades of green, as mine was still a week away. We had fun trying to invent new curse words [try it sometime]. We watched a cheer-leading show on the telly, then Randy switched it to CNN [Randy loves CNN]. Who says Metal Heads are of lesser intelligence? Randy touched on how demanding, taxing and draining the tour has been especially with the added Metallica dates.
“‘Till next times’ were exchanged, and now it was time to get out of my blood soaked garments and take a shower to wash off the remnants of the evening… Hey, where the fuck is my wife?!?”