Hammer’s Jurgen Comes To Twitter
You wanted the best, and you got…Jurgen.
Yes, everyone’s favourite black metal agony aunt/Nils-baiting evil icon/corpsepaint-splattered wally has finally joined Twitter, and is now fielding all your problems, requests, riddles and heinous insults in 140 characters or less!
To follow Jurgen, head over to Twitter.com/JurgenToksvig
For a taster of what to expect from the trve-est guy on the internet, Jurgen asked us to post some of his recent responses and general ramblings. Read on…
Are you sure you aren’t just some random British guy who likes fucking ferrets, and is so ashamed of himself that he tries to blame other people?
From Tom Quiddington, via MySpace
Jurgen says: How dare you?! I have never fucked Fenriz. The Norwegian press got hold of the wrong end of the stick! It was merely a misunderstanding in a sauna in Bergen. As I told members of the local constabulary later that evening I was reaching for what I thought was my prized Bismark-brown foot long link of saveloy, which I often take into the steam room for a snack in case I feel faint. It turns out I had both my hands on Fenriz’s eye-watering höyrymakkara, which he likes warmed through but untouched by human hands. In the ensuing struggle I will admit that some of his mustard sauce may have been accidentally sprayed across the hot coals. Although the case reached court we can laugh about it now… via our respective lawyers. And I am still banned from going within 50ft of the rear entrance to his well guarded barracks.
How do you like your eggs in the morning?
From Cystennin, via MySpace
Jurgen says: Dessicated like the hopes and dreams of Judaeo-Christian society, stinking like the cess pits of Ghenna and rubbery hard like a jackboot stamping on the face of democracy and morality for three millennia. Sunny side up.
My foster brother takes the piss out of me because of the way I dress and my music – what should I do. By the way I’m 13.
From Charlie, via MySpace
Jurgen says: Stick his tooth brush up your arse when he isn’t looking. (Nils has asked me to point out that while I would leave it up there all day, sometimes resulting in an unplanned trip to A&E when it travels half way up my lower colon, you should take it out immediately and put it back where you found it.)
I am an insane Black Metal devotee. I’m actually doing my major project in college on Black Metal. My question is how am I supposed to deal with being surrounded by giggling Death and Thrash Metal fans who despise the only music that has ever had and righteous meaning to me or the world? Any suggestions?
From Charles Meissner
Jurgen says: Finally! At last a sensible electronic mail from a Britisher man who isn’t a giggling, giraffe-felating, jizz mopping, badger wanking, Mr flumpy pants. First of all – rip your shirt off. B, run round the woods screaming: “Aiiieeeeeeeeeeeee!” Four, burn down a church. And secondly listen Darkthrone. I mean, shit up my cat’s arse and call me Jedward – do you need a fucking diagram? (Nils has asked me to add the following: “Of course, as any Tru Kvlt Skolar knows, Death, Black and Thrash metal all come from the same throbbing, spurting, vein-engorged root and anyone who loves black metal should also have room in their diseased soul for Haunting The Chapel and Slowly We Rot.)
You can also follow other members of the Hammer team on Twitter below….