To celebrate – or is that denigrate – Celebrity Big Brother (the last one ever, thank Christ), we have decided to start a spoof: Metal Big Brother – the online soap. It’s Day 3 and 4, find out how our housemates get on in their first task (‘The Speed Dating Challenge’) and more!

Imagine if Fred Durst, Adam D, Varg Vikernes, David Draiman, Kat Von D, Axl Rose, Angela Gossow, Marilyn Manson, Jurgen Toksvig, Gerard Way and Oli Sykes went into the Big Brother house. Without further ado, here’s days 3 and 4!

Day 3 - Task 1

Axl Rose has finally come out of the diary room. He is making lunch. It’s a chow mein Pot Noodle and he has been stirring it for 14 hours.

It’s task day and Big Brother has set the housemates a ’speed dating’ challenge. Each housemate must come into the diary room and convince Big Brother that they should date them, 5 of them must pass the task to be granted a luxury shopping budget.

First into the diary room is Metal Hammer work experience boy, Jurgen Toksvig. After calling Big Bro a ‘piss-gargling thunder cunt’ and refusing to accept that Big Brother is not interested in sampling the Satanic sperm from his Viking horn (Nils loves it), Jurgen fails the task.

Next up are Gerard Way and David Draiman. Gerard Way passes with flying colours as Big Brother determines that he’s very “in touch with his feminine side” and Draiman also passes on account of being something of a silver-tounged devil. “Passion comes from one’s self, love is made to be shared,” says Draiman. Damn, that’s smooth.

Fred Durst uses the novel approach of rapping to Big Brother to woo him. He’s doing fine until he uses the word ‘orange’. Nothing rhymes with orange. Fail.

Angela Gossow fails the task after proclaiming boys to be “yucky”, Marilyn Manson passes after wowing Big Bro with his knowledge of cuisine from every corner of the globe, Axl Rose fails on account of turning up for his date 3 and a half hours late and blaming it on Slash, Varg Vikernes fails because killing your mates is a bit of a turn off, Kat Von D fails on account of talking about Nikki Sixx for the duration of their dates and Oli Sykes passes after Big Brother professes to having a love for water sports.

The all-important final vote falls to Adam D. After a five minute conversation that includes the Killswitch man making fart noises with his arm-pit, describing his ideal woman as “tall, dark and hairy” and constantly making a “bibbly-bibbly” noise with his bottom-lip and his index finger, Adam D fails the task for the group. They will survive on basic rations until after nominations take place on Day 5.

Day 4

Kat von D watches from behind the breadbin where she has been since she rode her imaginary unicorn behind there last night.

Disturbed frontman David Draiman is in a heated discussion with notorious national socialist Varg Vikernes. Draiman insists that Disturbed AREN’T a nu metal band. Manson listens in whilst supping undiluted Ribena. The God Of Fuck is hoping the other flatmates will agree to adding absinth and a KFC family bucket to the weekly shopping allowance.

Adam D has finally unpacked and is hanging up his clothes while talking about bowel movements to Fred Durst. Adam has brought a pink tutu, a crown, an orange coat, a banana costume, one flip-flop, a tanktop with stripes on, a sequined cowboy shirt, some salopettes, a Groucho Marx moustache and glasses mask, a Russian hat, some marigolds and seven pairs of pants. Fred Durst has brought a red New York Yankees baseball cap and some clothes for people half of his age.

Metal Hammer work experience boy and co-founder of Nordic Claw, Jurgen Toksvig is put out that his hero Varg Vikernes is not a great fan of Bon Jovi and sits in a corner discussing Queen with Gerard Way. Gerard sits crying as he explains how he isn’t an emo.

Oli Sykes is trapped in the main opening of the chicken coop. He decided to see if he could answer the question about the chicken and the egg once and for all.

There will be more from Metal Big Brother tomorrow!