Imagine if Fred Durst, Adam D, Varg Vikernes, David Draiman, Kat Von D, Axl Rose, Angela Gossow, Marilyn Manson, Jurgen Toksvig, Gerard Way and Oli Sykes went into the Big Brother house. Here’s day 5!

Day 5
The housemates have been set a challenge. They have to get from one side of the garden to the other not touching the ground. They have been supplied with some rope, a tire, some planks, some hooks and screws and some tools. David Draiman has elected himself leader. Gerard Way bursts into tears as Draiman explains that no one else voted so he won by default. Fred Durst points out that there was no fuck’n vote, and Driaman explains it was no less real despite the fact it only happened in his head. Oli Sykes is disturbed to see water coming out of Gerard Way’s face and hides in the cupboard, where he finds Axl Rose who’s toast has been in the toaster all week as is no charcoal.

Adam D is asked to remove the plank from his arse, and Manson the tire from round his middle. Adam D does so and Manson explains that it’s actually him, and the tire is still inside. Draiman directs everyone to make a simple bridge across the lawn using the planks and the tire, and make a rail using the hooks and rope. Adam D has replaced the plank with the end of the rope and bounces around saying, “What am I? go on! What am I?” Kat von D cocks her head and squints. She then coughs up one of the screws she has swallowed. Draiman loses his rag and shouts, “If people are divided, they are just persons!”

Varg Vikernes explains that as an extremist he has no interest in bridging gaps. Adam D butts in, yelling, “bridge this” as he pulls his scrotum skin out like a trampoline. Kat von D bursts into tears and Jurgen Toksvig excuses himself.

David is left with Durst and Way. Durst turns the peak on his cap round and punches Way full in the mouth. Way collapses backwards onto the tire, proving that he is in fact longer than he looks. Durst walks across way to the other side before turning and saying, “I call it the Gerard Way motherfucker!” Draiman gets the bad joke but fails to recognise the hand gesture of Fred doing the air-rewind sign. He walks across and is reluctant to let Durst help him despite the fact he loses his footing at Gerard Way’s slippy hairdo.

“Yo, we did it Big Bro!” yells Durst striking a Jesus pose. “We did your task, let’s fuckin do this shit!”

As a reward Big Brother pipes the first Coal Chamber album over the Tannoy.

Check out earlier days here