Metal Big Brother: Day 17
The Metal Big Brother house is turned into an old people’s home in Metal Big Brother – The Spoof Online Soap…. The Metal Big Brother House has been quiet of late with all of the genres rubbing along nicely. So, in the interests of antagonism and the subsequent online ratings, Metal Big Brother has requested all of the housemates talk about religion.
David Draiman takes the lead and talks about the anti-Semitism he encountered growing up in a seminary – in training to be a rabbi. He says that true to his faith he has never marked his skin with tattoos as they are forbidden. Fred Durst sarcastically asks if The Torah mentions anything about having two pieces of metal dangling from ones lip is in there.
Adam D admits that he is a Christian but kept it quiet because Christians in metal are about as credible as… Christians in metal. “I only really started to tell people when I heard Underoath.” Who admittedly are quite a cool for a Christian metal band. Gerard Way – himself a Catholic – says “it’s important for people like you to admit their religiousness as it helps dispel the myth of Christians being pious, overbearing, self-righteous and hypocritical.”
As the conversation entered the realms of intellectual discussion, Adam whips his pants down and shouts, “I am the god of hellfire, and I bring you…” He lights a fart which sends flames three feet from his anus, calling “Fi-re!” as he does so. The smell of singed hair punctuates the conversation and everyone leans as far back in their chair as they can.
Draiman addressed Gerard: “If it was my religion I think I’d stick with the stereotype of grumpy hypocrites.”
Gerard turns to Oli Sykes and asks him what religion he is.
“I’m a vegan. Like those ones with the ears in Star Trek. The force is strong an all that.”
Kat Von D is in the garden braiding Axl Rose’s hair as punishment for using the week’s toilet paper ration to build a paper mache igloo in the garden.
Manson spoons the remaining mouthfuls of a Muller lite into his mouth and louchely says in his Florida drawl. “Religion is the opium of the masses. Or it was, until opium became the opium of the masses. If God didn’t exist, we would have invented him. And so we did.”
Jurgen pipes up finally, clearly enraged. “All of you need to kneel and worship the horned one! Religion is bullshit! Satan is the one true lord!”
Durst points out that Satanism is a religion. “You can’t have it both ways you Norwegian dumbass.”
“Fuck you nu-metal cock-frotter!” screams Jurgen. “You will pay when Lucifer returns to earth to collect the chosen ones.”
Again Durst pipes in. “Returns? When was he here?”
“Aaaiiieeee” cries Jurgen as he realises his argument holds about as much water as Kat Von Dee’s igloo.
Gerard brushes away a tear and says to himself, “I’m a Catholic get me out of here!”
Tags: metal big brother