Hammer scribe Alistair Riddell has a look at his worst album covers of all time. This is not for the faint of heart…

Gawd bless the internet eh? The true voice of democracy has a given a voice to those who, quite frankly, have nothing worth saying but are intent on making sure everyone hears them none the less. Many a joyless numpty has drawn up a list of albums to sneer at, justifying it with “I’m an artist so I know what I’m talking about…” So how come we don’t know your name from the many million-selling albums you’ve done, eh? Here are a few that often get mentioned

Battleaxe – Burn this Town.
What is wrong with it? Nothing. Heavy metal fan, on a motorbike, holding an axe and in front of a burning town; this has everything an album cover should have.

Anthrax – Fistful Of Metal.
The first Anthrax album I heard and therefore the best. Sure the perspective is a little odd, I spent ages as a kid trying to work out where exactly the hand could have come from but the important thing is, just one look told me I was going to love it. I did.

Heavy Load – Death Or Glory.
OK, so it looks like it was drawn by a ten year old that read too many Conan books. When I was ten I read too many Conan books and drew figures that looked suspiciously like that. Not surprising then that I own it on both CD and vinyl.

Cattle Decapition – Humanure.
People hated it so much that it was changed. Why would a record shop refuse to stock a record with this cover; surely the band’s name would have been a clue?

Death – Leprosy.
Seriously, what is wrong with you? Ed Repka covers are always killer and everything about Leprosy is genius. Chuck Schuldiner is sorely missed.

Riot – Narita
Now I must admit I’ve no idea why they felt the need to use seals so much – he crops up on all the early Riot covers – amazing record though. He was dropped for Thundersteel and that righteous slab of metal is at least as good as Painkiller.

The Handsome Beasts – Bestiality
Hope you haven’t eaten recently. Not a pretty sight and one must wonder if this is why they failed to become household names?

Dethkorps – Metal Tit
Sometimes you should judge a book by its cover. Amateurish, childish in the extreme and all the musicianship of someone who has never touched a guitar in their life.. I’m beginning to like them! Sadly the art for their first album – Evil Sex Wizard – has yet surface.

Scorpions – Virgin Killer (Changed artwork – Google the original one if you dare)
OK – This is bad. I mean really bad and probably highly illegal now. And just goes to show that actually you are better off getting the 10 year old Conan fan to do your cover than the art school graduate. Even so, Scorpions are gods. You should have seen Gill’s jaw drop when they got Uli Jon Roth up to play with them a couple of years back.

Manowar – Anthology.
Yes it is rubbish, but not for the usually reason given. There is nothing wrong with the band shot. It’s the band in loin cloths. They look glorious because they are Manowar and do what they like, with out a care for what you or I think. “It’s all a bit dungeons and dragons… ” you may sneer. Well my friend, Cliff Burton played D&D and if you think you are cooler than Cliff then I’m afraid you are sadly deluded. Manowar mean every overblown syllable and I love them for it. Fuck the world, indeed. It’s just the lazy layout and lack of care that ruins it.