Dom Lawson’s Blogs Of War: Choose Filth!
Choose life, choose a fucking great television and yadda yadda yadda but do not Choose Suffolk. Dom Lawson weighs in with his 2 cents about the decision to ignore 13,000 voters and disregard Suffolk hero, Dani Filth. Check it out here! Read more of Dom’s blogs here!
Hello folks. I’ve been to Suffolk. It’s a lovely county, a bit like Norfolk only down a bit and slightly to the left. And with fewer mutant cattle and no Delia Smith. Oh yes, I’ve been to Suffolk, ladies and gentlemen, and I declare it to be, at the very least, one of the most splendid counties I’ve ever visited. Probably.
But as a devoted metalhead and celebrated miscreant, I harbour no preposterous delusions about what Suffolk’s single greatest contribution to the world over the last few centuries has been. Even if you are not a fan of heavy music – and if that’s the case, I must compliment you on what appears to be an absolutely delightful cardigan! – you have almost certainly heard of Cradle Of Filth. My mum has heard of Cradle Of Filth, and that’s pretty much a cast-iron guarantee that the band have transcended their status as an underground concern and infiltrated the fizzing, glutinous consciousness of the mainstream. Not that my mum is either fizzing or glutinous, but you know what I mean. Or maybe you don’t. I DON’T FUCKING CARE.
The point is that Cradle Of Filth are one of the finest and most important British heavy metal bands of all time and are hugely popular and successful all around the world. And yes, I do realise that there are a lot of metal fans who don’t really like them very much. That, my twitchy-eyed friends, is not my fucking problem. We can’t all have impeccable taste in music. We can’t all get laid regularly and have happy fun times. We can’t all carry on with our daily business without casting aspersions on the likes and dislikes of others and getting all sweaty and fractious.
Cradle Of Filth are not a band for everyone, any more than golf jumpers are an item found in every metalhead’s wardrobe, but whether you love them or hate them, you can’t deny that they are both significant and successful without exposing yourself as an utter cuntstick. Glad we got that sorted out.
In the meantime, let’s have a little glance at what’s going on in the myopic and disgustingly small-minded world of Choose Suffolk, the garish and vapid online frontispiece of Suffolk’s moderately-busy tourist board…Oh look! They’ve been conducting a poll to discover who is the county’s most enduring and beloved icon. Well, that sounds like terrific fun, doesn’t it? I wonder what the outcome of such a jovial endeavour was? Let’s have another look shall we…OH LOOK! DANI FILTH WON THE FUCKING THING! NOW THERE’S A TURN-UP FOR THE BOOKS!!!
In fact, Dani didn’t just win the poll. He smashed it with a giant, filth-encrusted, Beelzebub-themed IRON HAMMER, notching up six times the amount of votes received by the list’s now-declared number two…which was, if you can believe this, a chuffing swimming pool. Other Suffolk icons like football legend Sir Bobby Robson, artist Thomas Gainsborough, large-trousered drivel-talking DJ berk Tim ‘Vast Labrador’ Westwood and, erm, “Suffolk Punch Horse” (whatever the dung-depositing FUCKCHUTE that is!) also racked up a few votes along the way, but Dani Filth flayed all of their sorry arses with the kind of flair and panache that long-time fans have come to expect from the great man. And he is great. I’ve met him many times. Lovely chap. Quite short, but not in an offensive way. Astonishing juggler, believe it or not. Always gets the beers in. Has never killed a cow with his bare hands. And, of course, lest we forget, he has been fronting one of our greatest metal bands for two decades, putting Suffolk firmly on the metal map and contributing vastly more to the county’s international reputation than “Beach Huts”; one of the mind-wankingly useless not-really-icons that Choose Suffolk have eventually selected for their own, poll-ignoring, Filth-insulting Top 20.
Seriously, go to http://www.suffolkicons.com/ and check out their list. It’s really quite extraordinary. I bet you’ll be immediately packing a suitcase and hotfooting it to the train station for an impromptu camping trip in GLORIOUS BASTARD SUFFOLK the minute your eyes fall on that irresistible image of Ickworth House, won’t you? And even though they clearly couldn’t be arsed to look for an actual picture of Sir Bobby Robson, rather than the one of his statue that they probably print in all their brochures, you may find yourself compelled to succumb to the self-evident thrills, spills and MILES AND MILES OF MUDDY FIELDS AND MEDIOCRE BEER that the judging panel deemed more important than Mr. Filth and his fantastic band.
Frankly, I don’t understand why you would bother having a poll in the first place if you have no intention of honouring the end result. Why not just pick your stupid, slipper-wearing list of boring, inoffensive, riff-free bullshit and not mention Dani in the first place? It’s not as if anyone at Choose Suffolk has ever even heard Cradle Of Filth or been to one of their gigs, is it? Far too busy humping an inflatable doll to the smooth sounds of Bruce Hornsby & The Range, I imagine. I’M IMAGINING IT RIGHT NOW AND IT’S NOT FUCKING PLEASANT.
I’m joking, of course. Everyone who works for Choose Suffolk is a fragrant delight and definitely not a MASSIVE FUCKPIPE WITH NO INTEGRITY WHATSOEVER. That’s obvious. Please don’t sue me.
But my point remains. Dani Filth won the poll. He’s a rock star, not a murderer. Contrary to what the average (idiotic and racist) Daily Mail reader believes, he doesn’t nail chickens to his front door, drink witch’s piss from a toddler’s skull or ride around Ipswich on the back of a giant, leather-clad, blood-drenched robot goat. He’s a bona fide rock ‘n’ roll icon of whom Suffolk should be enormously proud.
Oh well, you can’t win ‘em all. EXCEPT WHEN YOU FUCKING DO!!11!!!!1!
Lots of love,
Dom Lawson xx