The top seventeen (nice round number) non-heavy metal heavy metal movies…
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1) Mad Max 10/10
They raped and killed your mrs and son. And now you drive around a dystopian Australia killing biker punk gang members for petrol. How else would you like to define metal?
Ultimate soundtrack: Kyuss, Rammstein, Crowbar, Down, Monster Magnet
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2) Legend 6/10
OK, so Tom Cruise isn’t metal, but a massive devil with huge horns played by creepy fuck, Tim Curry, who tries to capture hot princess. Like Kerry King kidnapping Cristina Scabbia.
Ultimate soundtrack: Nightwish, Within Temptation, Apocalyptica, Helloween
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3) Conan The Barbarian 11/10
The only movie more metal than Mad Max. Hard-as-fuck, huge-as-fuck warrior kills snake and doinks the hottie. Metal. Obvious.
Ultimate soundtrack: Manowar, Manowar, Manowar.
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4) Empire Strikes Back 9/10
Dude in black who pwns whole planets and loves the (dragon)force, while weedy emo (well, he does hate his dad) Luke Skywanker tries to stop all the fun. Also, wookie’s headbang.
Ultimate soundtrack: Gojira, Ministry, Dimmu Borgir,
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5) Blade Runner 7/10
Hot groupie robots and robot killer get nekkid and murdery in the future. Which is obviously shitter than now – today is tomorrow’s good ol days.
Ultimate soundtrack: Nine Inch Nails, early-Ministry, Skinny Puppy
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6) The Evil Dead 8/10
Dumb ass zombie’s and dude with chainsaw for a hand? Are you kidding? This is heavy metal on poppers for dumbass thrash punk metal heads to scream at while higher than Hubble.
Ultimate soundtrack: Municipal Waste, Toxic Holocaust, Send More Paramedics.
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7) The Dark Crystal 5/10
Yes, puppets; but yes, still scary. Like waking up to find that GWAR are real, annoyed and rooting through your draws. Also includes attempted killing of emo gelflings. Ace.
Ultimate soundtrack: Mastodon, Dream Theater, Queensryche.
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8 ) Matrix 4/10
God who isn’t god. Basically Rob Halford. Only cleverer. And younger. A bit.
Ultimate soundtrack: Laibach, early-Nine Inch Nails, Enter Shikari, Mad Capsule Markets
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9) Dude Where’s My Car 5/10
Knucklehead hang-over movie put laugh at despite being utterly retarded: pound your just, nag your head and wish you had the balls to get that tattoo.
Ultimate soundtrack: Blink 182, Hellyeah, Limp Bizkit, Pantera, Biohazard
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10) The Crow 8/10
If you need this one explaining you’re on the wrong website.
Ultimate soundtrack: HIM, Type O Negative, 69 Eyes, Marilyn Manson
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11) Fightclub 9/10
Buff dudes twatting each other in a basement because they don’t have any gigs to mosh, stage-dive and circle-pit in.
Ultimate soundtrack: Suicidal Tendencies, Black Flag, Hatebreed, Visions Of Disorder.
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12) Krull 8/10
Dude…
Ultimate soundtrack: Mastodon, The Sword, Balsagoth, Satyricon,
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13) Dambusters 7/10
What ho old bean! Chocks away! Up the irons! And other WWII posh banter. Epic explosions, ludicrously patriotic and mainly about smashing things up, too.
Ultimate soundtrack: Iron Maiden, Saxon, Edguy,
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14) Braindead 9/10
Blood. More blood. And some blood.
Ultimate soundtrack: Cannibal Corpse, Carcass, Cattle Decapitation, Deicide
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15) Saw I/II/III/IV 10/10
In a continuity failure, In the fourth scene, Slipknot can all actually be seen in the bathroom mirror rubbing themselves with glee.
Ultimate soundtrack: Slipknot (just them).
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16) Animal House 6/10
Underdogs go head to head with the authorities! And drink and party loads. And John Belushi looks like Alexisonfire’s Wade MacNeil.
Ultimate soundtrack: Motley Crue, Van Halen, Limp Bizkit,
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17) Pirates Of The Caribbean 8/10
Pirates. Other than Mad Max, they are the most metal things ever. Oh, and Conan.
Ultimate Soundtrack: Alestorm (they wish).
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